Turn It Around

Has it really been more than a week? How terrible, how slack of me.

It has been neither an exciting nor unexciting time. There were lots of walks in the forest and the mountain. There were dinners and drinks with friends, girly breakfasts and quiet nights in with the dogs.

I’m learning to accept being alone. You would think after two years (God, more than that) I would be used to it. And I am used to it. But accepting it is a different story and it’s only now that I’m able to sit at home on a Saturday night, with movies and a nice meal and my favourite pyjamas, and enjoy myself.

It is only now, when I’m driving home on a Friday and all my friends are on dates or busy with other plans, that I’m able to take a deep breath and tell myself it’s okay. It’s okay to be alone.

It’s actually quite nice to wake fresh on a Saturday morning. To go for a long walk, meet a friend for breakfast, give the flat a proper cleaning.

It’s not nice to cry yourself to sleep. And I’ve done a lot of that this year.

I am terribly, horribly jealous of friends who go on dates. I hate going to clubs and not getting hit on. I hate going to clubs and getting hit on even more.

Sometimes I dream about finding a perfect flat in Sea Point, furnished just how I want it. A little cat asleep in the sunny spot, a walk on the prom every evening. Other times I dream about giving it all up and getting on the first plane to Tokyo, so I can see the cherry blossoms and the bagel head hipsters and taste all 100 flavours of Kit Kat.

I’m too young to give up on love. Hells, my 78 year old aunt just married for the second time. But it’s difficult being alone and it’s easier to stop hoping. It’s easier to just accept.

Wow, this took a whole different tone than what I had planned. I’m single. I’m lonely a lot. Right, everyone gets it.

I’m not settling, I’m just changing tack. We can’t control everything, sometimes we just have to learn to appreciate what we have.

There is still a gap where you used to be. But it’s getting smaller now, other things are taking it’s place. I’m a little afraid of what happens when the gap is closed up completely.

But that’s a problem for the future.

 

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