Who’s Fat?

It’s funny because I was going to write this anyway. And then I read Keri’s post My Issue With Skinny and it kind of fell together. So in a way, this is a response to you Kez.

I have never been skinny. I was as a little girl but puberty brought with it a wave of unstable hormones and my skin and my weight have suffered ever since.

Now, looking back on photographs from the first two years of varsity, when I was at my lowest weight since grade ten, I realise that I was a lot slimmer then than I thought I was.

That was twenty kilograms ago.

I know exactly how and why I gained so much weight. I went through the first of a series of heartbreaks (I make it sound dramatic. It was to me) and, like a good German, I did not deal with this trauma. At all. I holed myself up in my room for a whole year, watching endless hours of series and eating myself numb.

For the past three years I have been unhappy with the way I look and feel, uncomfortable in my own skin. I have tried many ways to lose weight. At one point I was really quite fit. I have been to various dietitians and weight-loss groups. I have tried it on my own. Every Monday is a new leaf and every Tuesday, the leaf dies and I gain weight with alarming consistency.

And remember how I said ‘series of heartbreak’? One step forward, ten steps back.

I came to a realization at some point last year.

Skinny is not for me.

I may have been a small girl but I have never been a small woman, if puberty is the mark of womanhood. I have size eight feet, a strong nose and wide hips. I am not petite and I am not meant to be skinny.

I am meant to be healthy and I am meant to be comfortable and I am meant to be happy. How I choose to get to that point, is what really counts.

I still worry about my weight constantly and I have implemented some things into my lifestyle that I hope will help. I eat two boiled eggs for breakfast every morning these days. I try to make healthy lunch choices and eat small portions, especially for dinner. I’ve cut out my daily cappuccinos and replaced it with endless cups of plain rooibos. By ‘plain’ I mean, hot water and a teabag.

And by ‘cut out’ I mean, maybe one or two a week.

And I gym, twice a week with a trainer and once a week up the mountain by myself.

I have not lost weight yet and I’m sure there are many other things I should be doing (ahem, like saying no that cupcake earlier) but I am confident that my health is benefiting from this.

My goals have changed. I would like to get down to a weight where my clothes fit comfortably, mirrors don’t scare me and I can climb my normal mountain route without having to stop to breathe.

I no longer compare myself to my friends who have size 4 feet and tiny, button noses. I no longer look at clothes that will never suit me, because as much as my weight may change my basic body shape never will. I am hourglass to the end.

Something unexpected has come out of my significant weight gain. When I was my thinnest, I thought I was fat. I really wasn’t, but I believed it and it overshadowed everything else.

Now that I actually am fat, I have finally realized that the rest of me is not all that bad.

I have a strong bone structure and natural curves. I have cheekbones and dimples and a good smile. I can make people laugh. I like my lips. My Teletubby fingers aren’t that bad and I have nice toes and strong nails.

Somewhere along the way, I learnt to love myself. Despite my size. And despite my weird hairline.

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5 thoughts on “Who’s Fat?

  1. Kirst – I love this. Skinny isn’t for everyone, as you and Keri both say, I think it’s so much more important to be healthy, active and make good choices. I’m not a small girl either (except for the height part of things), and while I might be a little shmaltzy and could lose a bit of weight, I’m happy eating healthy and exercising as often as I can.

  2. Hallelujah girlfriend! Love this! No time to spend worrying about things you can’t change like your shoe size and weird hairline and bone structure. I say balance and loving life is much more important :) Thank you for this post, nice to know I’m not alone in my crazy head. Keep up your new healthy lifestyle, think lovely thoughts, grow your friendships, work hard, keep busy and the extra kgs will fall off. But let’s stop this silly pursuit of the unrealistic and the unattainable – sounds like you’re on the right path – please keep posting things like this to keep me on the right path too :) Lots of love xxx

  3. Chicken, I LOVE this post. To stop comparing yourself with others is SO ‘freeing’. To embrace your body / freckles / kinky hair etc, enables you to get to know and love the REAL you. And it is so liberating. Body shapes REALLY are so different and certain trends or things that one may love may not always look great on everyone. HOW boring would it be if they did?

    I think the most important thing is to keep healthy, to take PRIDE in your body and to treasure it, as your body is a temple and should be respected. First and foremost by YOU.

    It’s so scary that ONLY NOW that im pregnant do I really think twice about what i put into my mouth. I would usually have a creme soda / MSG nik naks NO problem, but now that I am thinking about baby boy, it’s a whole different story. Meanwhile I should have always thought about that. That’s not to say that I won’t eat cake / nik naks etc, food is one of the GREATEST joys in life and to deprive yourself of the things you love is ridiculous but it’s all in moderation, of coarse. Sometimes it may just take a health problem or pregnancy or something like that to make you realise how important it is to look after yourself.

    I wish you so much luck lovely, YOU CAN DO IT :) Keep up with everything you are doing and you will FEEL the difference and most definitely see it :)

    LOVED this post so much and I wish every girl with a bad self image in the whole world could read it! SO glad you have had such a wonderful attitude shift xxxx

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