Just Keep Swimming

I wish I had the confidence I had in my old job, in my new job.

When I worked in the bookstore, I knew what I was doing. I knew the ins and outs of that store. I knew where everything was and how everything worked. I could find obscure books on the smallest of details. I knew if we had stock of a book and where it would be before a customer had finished their sentence. If something went wrong with the finance, I knew exactly how to fix it. If a customer was upset, I had that situation under control within seconds.

I never had an issue.

I rarely made a mistake and I never made a mistake I didn’t know how to correct.

I commanded that place.

I was in total control.

But I guess that’s the thing about filler jobs, they’re not all that hard. That’s why they’re filler jobs and not careers. Careers are scary. I’m scared. I’m terrified of fucking things up. Invoicing has me in floods of tears. I am constantly second guessing myself, I feel like I’m just treading water.

The boss who hired me at the bookstore (not the boss whom I dramatically quit on) told me the day I started that it takes at least three months to get used to a job. Three months before you stop drowning and start floating.

I’m about to hit that three month mark.

I think I’m doing okay.

It’s all just a lot more serious than anything from before. I’ve never been good at this learning part of life. I always just want to jump ahead a year. I hated the first few months of high school when I didn’t know my classmates, and the first few months of varsity when I didn’t know where any of my classes were. I don’t even like the beginning bit of relationships, where everything is so uncertain. Most people find those parts the most exciting but I always look forward to when you’re finally comfortable and confident and stable. When you’ve made friends and streets begin to feel like home and you’re sure that he loves you.

That’s the best.

I’m on the right path, I’m sure of that. Now I just need to take a few deep breaths, find my rhythm and start swimming.

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